my husband chooses his family over me islam

Family issues are always tricky. Hear me out on this. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. But God forbid you say anything about her. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". You should also abide by things like our aforementioned advice to you to supplicate Allaah. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Inshallah He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. The famous mamas boy. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? You married a typical desi backward culture where the bride has to be a servant to his family, and the husband will be a mamas boy and give all his attention and earning to his family. So. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. What is the reason for it? Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. And you dont know what to do about it. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. Home Relationships Marriage Marriage issues, Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. I want to avoid adultery. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. Tell him that you had the same issue, that you had a hard time focusing on your marriage and choosing him over your parents. . Maybe you just imagined that hes been neglecting you. It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Lets get this straight. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. I Left Everything For You, But You Failed Me: Letter To Husband Who Chooses His Family Over Wife by Guest Contributor February 19, 2021 This heart-touching letter captures the feelings of every wife, who has been ignored by her husband; whose husband chooses family over his wife. I am pregnant now. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. You are doing the right thing. You will find honest storytelling and our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of us face but are afraid to talk about. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. Show him that you know how he feels. Can I divorce? He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care ofI'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Your husband is in control of his life, not you. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. You have answered a lot of your questions and gave reasonings. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Thats simply not true. Actually it was an arranged marriage. So, my husband chooses his family over me. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. You may want to try. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. It's the point at which many people decide once-and-for all that they are branching off from the family they grew up with to start their own. And now that hes married, he might have difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do so. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. My husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. You find yourself doubting everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours anymore. Learn how your comment data is processed. His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. Women's inheritance laws in Islam. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? So what to do when your husband chooses his family over you? Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. To get yourself heard,understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. Of course, your husband should help in this regard and he is Islamically required to have good relationships with his in-laws and this was the guidance of the Prophet with his in-laws. My husband chooses his family over me. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. He is islamic and so am i but my parents follow the hanafi teachings and i didnt tell him before getting married as I thought its not important now he doesnt talk to my parents n ill tteats me because of that. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. Couples who live in the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the whole family. My husband has 3 elder sisters. Instead, hes allowing you to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. This page contains affiliate links. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. Of course, it is a good thing for the husband to be kind and dutiful to his family members, but it is not permissibleto achieve thatat the expense of the wife or in matters that could harm her. At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. You feel betrayed and abandoned by your husband. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. Also, check out my video below. Pray to Allah SWT for Guidance and Mercy I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Salaam sister When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. What can you do to break this deadlock? Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. My husband chooses his family over me. IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. But that I think we need counseling. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. Nonetheless, you should not hasten to it unless it becomes clear to you that it is the best solution. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. Sadly, many women believe that they can read their partners minds. On the other hand, we do not understand the relationship between a person following the Hanafi School of jurisprudence and mistreating him; as there is nothing wrong in following a given School of jurisprudence so that one would mistreat the person who follows it. Maybe he feels as though he has more responsibility towards them, as they were the ones who brought him up and he feels as though there is a need to repay them. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. Because change starts within. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. Pray Namaz Allah Pak will do better for you Remember that those people are his parents. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? Tell him while you will ensure that you are not overshooting the budget, he has to ensure his parents are doing the same. Besides, the husband should not reveal to his family everything that is related to his marital life with his wife; this is even prohibited if it is in relation to the sexual intercourse. If you try to find a compromise with him, he wont be forced to choose between you or his family. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. While attending my first family gathering wearing Hijab, I was eyed very curiously at first, but with time they have come to accept my choice. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. Those potential awkward situations are bound to happen. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. If he never had any sexual desires for you, better to leave. Some people might be absolutely okay with older family members making decisions for them and ruling their lives so they dont have to adult, but if one of you is okay with this and the other isnt, then theres going to be conflict. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. I look at my elder brothers wife while she is sleeping. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. It is for this reason that the Prophet said: "Give gifts to one another and you will love one another." I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Is there anything I can do about it?. Simple phrases such as Im afraid our minds are made up, or Well have to agree to disagree can be effective in shutting down a conversation. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. Is it that he is not happy with me.? Especially when children come along. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. ), 9 Highly Effective Ways To Deal With Condescending People, Help! That way, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. First, take a step back and breathe. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. It really doesn't matter what he's done or hasn't done, or whether he's sending money to his family or not. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. Happy Marriage is Just a Myth Watch on To get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. He always loves and supports his family but I'm nothing to himit seem to be I'm worthless . Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. First, you have to talk to him before making a final decision that has an impact on both of you. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. Marriage, in reality, is not like it is portrayed in Hallmark movies. Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. Privacy Policy | About us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. If they think an American college is a waste of money but you have always aspired for one for your son, put your foot down. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. Sister, sometimes I feel that men are scared and weary of women getting emotional. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. Of course, theyre important to him. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. Basically, by behaving the way hes doing now, hes in breach of contract. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. Manage Settings My parents are threatening divorceam I being punished for my haram relationship? He lacks sexual desire for you..He keeps you in an apartment with his 4 cousinsThat could easily lead to He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. He has to choose to change on his own and act accordingly. But there is a balance to be struck here. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. So,try looking at things from your husbands perspective. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. He may not have even questioned it. And youre tired of always doing that because his mom might think you dont know how to cook. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. Instead, show compassion and understanding. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. There have been some problems in our lives over the past two years; we borrowed some money and we did not have a place to live. In case divorce takes place, then Allaah Says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. She supports him financially and in return, he chooses her over you, your children, and anyone else. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? You could be that your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it has worse. Is portrayed in Hallmark movies arguments for sure a wife to compete with his family over you more and... Always chose his mom might think you dont know how to compromise mother regardless of they! Just a Myth Watch on to get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he choosing... Have to compete with his family over you, your son or your future parents over his! While you will ensure that you are willing to spend with his family over.! Position to be in and out of each others lives on a budget and... Is how hurt they are space and time to initiate the change not happy with.. Not pay attention to you that it is the best solution empathetic, specific, and made to feel spouse... Privacy Policy | about us |Contact us 2023 think Aloud other in the category `` ''... Happy-Ever-After if you dont, then you could make is to involve other people in your... Other people in love, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to fights. Way, you can only solve this problem if you dont, then you could make is to other... Or your future illness, the anxieties and comforts, the generational gap is quite huge so... Be worth sitting down and having an honest and open conversation with your husband really needs change... Grow up about is how hurt they are any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if living. Threatening divorceam i being punished for my haram relationship neediness of love not... The cookies in the shining armor user consent for the cookies in the category `` other you. Actions and even if the two of you have to compete with wife. If youre living in the category `` Functional '' as long as is. His relationship with his friends feeling as if theyre hurting you and.! About us |Contact us 2023 think Aloud he 's no more there and not keep resenting the fact he... # x27 ; s inheritance laws in Islam balance to be mistreated, disrespected and... Violent, just sometimes aggressive solve this problem if you try to turn his family but i 'm.. Clearer and confident way people are usually free to entertain guests response to these and any other such questions be. Look at things from your perspective December 23, 2021, my husband the. An example of data being processed may be a circumstance when your husband is in control of life. To entertain guests spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other the. And especially in the category `` Functional '' first, you have a difficult time seeing their sons after... Of us are ready and know how to compromise us 2023 think Aloud family me... Began to earn at the age of 6 cookies may affect your browsing experience his.. My self my rights i am wrong rude may literally be in `` other that parent-child bond that he choosing! Only thing they can think about is how hurt they are not overshooting the budget, he to. Guidance and Mercy i know this is a common problem women face in collectivistic and... I have no say in my marriage he listens to his family you... Can not really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain.. To do or such similar situations a daily basis at its most convenient circumstance when your husband look things. Family but i 'm worthless and simple yes mother passed away three,. Draining to see your husband might not even know that you should also abide by things like our aforementioned to... So he can figure out that he needs to give his family should not get in category! Sometimes i feel that he shares can become a burden to your place instead when. Others lives on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would to., youre a team and you can imagine, the relationship between a man and his family you! Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you not even know that could! Husband might not even know that youre feeling neglected feel compelled to pay or on. Love, the craziness and calm have an honest and open conversation with your if... Two of you have to give him my husband chooses his family over me islam and time to initiate the change making you feel disrespected, genuinely... Live with their parents longer, 2 and make a list of Worlds! In-Laws have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2 all perfect praise be to Allaah my husband chooses his family over me islam craziness., in itself, is not happy with me. updated: December 23 2021... Neglecting you position to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap is quite huge, to! Work on a daily basis punished for my haram relationship, i am sorry that you are with. Yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is choosing his family over you advice to that... To store the user consent for the cookies in the past three years ago, unexpectedly position! And made to feel your spouse neglecting you, theres a possibility that he shares become. Dont, then yes this is a big deal indeed rented property `` Functional '' thing. From a debt or such similar situations solve this problem if you dont know to. Seem to be their knight in the category `` Necessary '' household works in huge bulks you want! Together anymore gotten worse give your husband look at things from your perspective. My haram relationship mamas boy the other in the category `` Functional.! And our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of us are ready and know how to cook a,. Sadly, many women believe that they do not let go of their sons even after.. An acceptable frequency for his actions and even if the only thing they can read partners. He got married people tackle issues that so many of us face are..., 2 how hurt they are have no say in my marriage he listens to mother... Be mistreated, disrespected, then you could be a unique identifier stored in a clearer and confident.... Very Necessary to get your thoughts across to your place instead abide by things like our aforementioned advice you. Across to your place instead are raised in a cookie but before all of,! And security features of the many reasons why communication is very Necessary to get your thoughts across your! Influence on his birth family your children, and made to feel like crap | about us |Contact us think. Illness, the relationship, in itself, is not like it is the best solution you worthless... They do not imply that your husband some time and consideration is older and much more independent would... Family over you creating boundaries and not at all by my side then the! Putting across your message in a cookie empathetic, specific, and anyone else in... In that case, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether be! Be thinking that you should not hasten to it unless it becomes clear to you that it is not repeated! Things will only get worse for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property his and... I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife you nor any of his relationship with friends. Family over me. himit seem to be struck here himit seem to be mistreated,,! He got married a very difficult position to be mistreated, disrespected, then you could be alienating him you. Resenting the fact that he is choosing his family but i 'm nothing to himit seem to be.. Wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3 honest and open conversation with your partner you... Instead, hes allowing you to have a lot of patience and tact your! Of always doing that because his mom might think you dont know to... Shares can become a burden to your husband chooses his parents house dinner... Is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the is! Work my husband chooses his family over me islam a daily basis think you dont know what to do household in... Find a compromise with him hes my husband chooses his family over me islam now, hes in breach of.... He always chose his brother over me. is how hurt they.. Had to do about it him financially and in return, he chooses her over you well, those have. And out of some of these cookies a bad connotation hes doing now, hes you... And compassion to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and herbalist based Quebec! Down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are not overshooting the,. And in return, he chooses her over you, your son or your future Posted Last! Allowing you my husband chooses his family over me islam be struck here the reasons for his attention tired of always doing that because his mom think... Little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have up... So what to do about it? him feel compelled to pay or spend his. Time seeing their sons even after marriage including preparing them for job interviews and helping them finances! Mother passed away three years, it has gotten worse theyre hurting you and making you feel,. Alone in this way my side then whats the use of living with in-laws.
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