These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. You know that you know that you know that you know… It’s healthy to question, to be concerned, and to be nervous. But neither, I hear, is marriage. It's a deeply sexist practice. Her father passed away about three years ago. You should know the answers to those questions before proposing. Cosmopolitan participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. In an Anglo-Saxon culture in present times you do not need to ask the girls parents first. Phantasm01. Before jumping the gun and sitting down with her … V-Day Books to Read Before/After/Instead of a Date, Thinking About the SoulCycle At-Home Bike? My story hits a snag, however, when I get into the least plannable and thus most stressful part of the proposal experience: You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. You don’t have to necessarily ask her father, but at least let someone in her immediate family know of your intentions of marriage. In those bad old days, a married woman (or married girl, as the case often was) couldn’t own property or refuse sex, or have any separate legal existence from her husband; women were barred from voting in part because the husband was a wife’s legal representative. Promise. So let’s tackle each. If she’s a woman who values family but doesn’t hold on tight to traditions, then make sure her family is aware of the proposal. Part of the reason human beings rely on tradition is because it’s a shortcut to traversing complex and important life events in a way that makes everyone comfortable and won’t hurt any feelings. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. Overall, though, you should be confident in the relationship. Talk to her parents as soon as possible .. after you first talk to her. It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. If her father has given his blessing or you have determined that his concerns are things you can manage, propose to your lovely future bride. By contrast, only 58 percent of brides say they knew a proposal was coming, but just weren’t sure when – for 40 percent, it was a complete surprise. And of course participating in some of the less-than-feminist aspects of engagement and marriage isn’t always a sacrifice – lots of women, myself included, have found a lot of fun in the frivolity of sparkly jewelry or a magical white dress. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. You've got it all planned. April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. “Respect,” the answer goes. “I was only 24 years old at the time. If the gentlemen who wants to marry our daughter wants to show us that he has any respect for her family at all, then he will come and ask for her hand in marriage. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. This is especially true when we’re making a decision to enter into an institution that is, judging by its entire history, a sexist one. Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. Author has 7.1K answers and 5M answer views. Thank a feminist. Here’s why. Happy that the laws around marriage and women have been overhauled so you can be a married woman and an individual with a full set of rights? It depends. Asking your girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage can be SUPER intimidating. Is it common in your culture? It is indeed traditional to ask a woman’s father if you can marry her, because traditionally, marriage was a property transfer – with you, the bride, as the property. June 4, 2013 . In its 2015 Jewelry and Engagement Study, the Knot found that 77 percent of grooms asked permission from the bride’s father or parents before proposing, up … Buy It, Prince Harry Speaks Out About the Capitol Riot, 10 Cute Spring 2021 Bag Trends. And some of the most stubborn and more literal incarnations of a sexist culture come along with weddings – which is why, uncomfortable though it may be, those of us who want a more egalitarian society must take a hard look at how wedding rituals undermine that goal. Add Opinion. We know it’s a little old fashion, but it’s still preferred for men to ask the girlfriend’s family for permission before proposing. My dad wants to know his future son-in-law is committed to me, but doesn't necessarily need to be … In other words, no one loses their feminist card for playing into some of these tropes, or just deciding they would rather avoid a fight than take a feminist stance. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. ... how and when should you approach your partners parent(s), and who should you ask? According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their partner’s father or parents before they propose. Does she really want to marry you? SEE MORE: ... 10 Adorable Ways to Propose on Valentine’s Day. It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. Follow These Tips. Is that something that would make her and her father's life more wonderful? Navigating the landscape of American marital norms – and trying to do so in a way that feels like an authentic reflection of my own values, my partner’s values, and the relationship we are building – is a tiptoe around landmines, and feminism is just one. But some women might be offended by the act. © 2021 Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? You Want to Talk With Your Significant Other First. As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too. A proposal should be a ritual and formality, a sweet moment that comes after in-depth discussions about why you want to get married, what marriage means, what it will look like, and when you want to do it. 10. It's not a sign of respect. Which is why those of us in feminist relationships should reject that norm – or at least understand that by partaking in it, we’re reinforcing a deeply sexist practice. Your over-the-top proposal will also give her something to slap down other women with... AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission. In a marriage, you should respect your partner first and foremost. But why romanticize the asking-permission tradition that came out of such backward laws? Wide-Ranging Trends Point to a Banner Year Ahead for Men’s Grooming, A Guide to the Top Barbershop Hairstyles for Men, From Fades to Deep Waves, These Are the Best Hairstyles for Black Men, Shopping for an Engagement Ring? Men who pride themselves on manners, etiquette, and old-school charm will undoubtedly ask permission because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. It could be considered sexist if your GF is the … Shares. Well, guess what? I do not recommend you to ask him in passing as if you are asking if you can have a beer from his fridge. Did Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Reunite? Here are … Why You Have To Ask Her Father Why You Have To Ask Her Father Before You Propose. If her parents are still married, and you happen to call at a time when only one is available, simply say that you have something you want to ask them, but would like to wait until you can ask them both together, and when would be a good time to do so. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. Well, yes, it is kind of old-school, in the same way that opening the car door for her is. Should they live far away, try to call at a time when you think they'll be home. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. He doesn’t want to be your buddy. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. With possibly Greek or Italian, I would ask the parents two or three weeks before proposing. And respecting a woman means not treating her like property, a stereotype instead of an individual, or an appendage to yourself – which means not expecting she take your name, not expecting she’ll do more of the at-home work because she’s the woman, and not asking her father if it’s OK to marry her. It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. There are few things that demonstrate less respect for an adult woman than asking her dad if she’s allowed to make one of the biggest decisions of her life. Alternatively, she might agree with you and agree to marry you while you both work things … According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their … Should You Plan the Wedding Before You're Engaged? And it remains, for many people who enter into it, a significant turning point in their adult lives. “I was only 24 years old at the time. This is his daughter, so giving her away won’t come easy for him. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway Talk to the parents .. then propose directly after that. You will not have a single better opportunity to stock her up on positive memories than at the moment of your proposal. The legal landscape of marriage has blessedly changed, and no longer does marriage mean that “husband and wife are one, [and] the one is the husband,” as it was under the law of coverture, when women gave up nearly all of their individual rights upon marriage. And yet no matter how you do it, it’s still hard to deny that asking a father specifically – asking for permission, or his blessing – plays into long-standing and deeply-held misogynist ideas of what marriage is for. folding their names and identities into their husbands, The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness, Please Don't Use This Proposal Cell Phone Case. In an attempt to “respect” a woman’s father, you’re disrespecting her. And even if her father said no (he won’t), it’s not going to stop the two of you from doing it anyway. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. 4. Still, there are other ways to honor the rituals of marriage and the joining-together of two people, and two families, than asking dad’s permission. He wants your respect, but has been socialized to no longer expect it. As marriage has gotten more egalitarian, it’s also gotten better. Criticizing couples’ choices, especially around what is supposed to be a joyous and celebratory event, is fraught territory. Alas, in their reckless pursuit for total equality, the baby boomers have razed the male hierarchy, and today young men approach their girlfriends’ dads with the goal of becoming “buddies.”. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io, 6 Tips for How to Dress for Your Engagement Pics, Hi, Yes, Pls Don‘t Propose to Your Partner RN, The Most Popular Wedding Venue in Every State, Lingerie Gift Sets You’ll Wanna Keep for Yourself, Fall Wedding Colors That Are Basically Sweaters, You’re Engaged! Prepare to ask a girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage by calling him up and setting an appointment with the preface that you have some good news. If your girl is someone who puts a lot of value on family and tradition, then asking her father is an absolute must. Bucking tradition is never easy. Giving A Quality Wedding Toast Is Easier Than You'd Think. You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. In most Western cultures it's not necessary. Tip Number 6 – If you Can’t Ask her Father. Asking your girlfriend’s parents for … Just don’t do it by text message! They shouldn’t. It depends. You deferred to him for the simple reason that he had toughed through more of life than you had, and because you knew that your gestures of respect would later entitle you to similar groveling from your own future son-in-law. It’s the final days of August, which means summer wedding season is finally winding down, and we’ll have a few months of respite before the holiday engagement season – and the attendant ring-on-hand selfies that flood your Facebook feed -- kicks in. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. Women don’t typically ask their boyfriends’ mothers for permission to wed, because for women, marriage isn’t seen as the taking-in of someone else; instead, you’re the one whose identity is being erased, and it’s you who’s being taken. If you don’t, your failure to do so will haunt you forever. 0. ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. When you give it to him, you’ll set yourself apart from every other guy under 30 in his life — including all his daughter’s ex-boyfriends. Do you agree on core values and big dreams? Her father passed away about three years ago. Furthermore, consider every element of your proposal to be an item on a romance checklist that she will soon be cross-referencing with the checklists of her married female friends. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. In other words, more men talk to their girlfriend’s father about a plan to marry than talk about marriage, in serious and relatively immediate terms, to the woman they actually want to marry. Now, to the second hardest part—the actual proposal. Challenging conventional wedding traditions may be low on the list of feminist priorities, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important to take a hard look at the rituals and norms we hold dear, or participate in without much thought. The most popular arguments in favor of ask-dad-first seem to be tradition and respect. Just don’t do it by text message! So to be clear, no one is drawing a feminist line in the sand, with every woman whose husband asked her father for his blessing on the “Bad Feminist” side. These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. (Remember Purses? Wondering “should I propose?” The “should we have kids” discussion is pretty key. James Bassil. Feminists have to hold these two ideas simultaneously: That all of us partake in sexist cultural norms to some degree or another, and also that it’s imperative for feminists to unflinchingly critique sexist cultural norms. Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. Time to Get You Le Best IG Caption, These Dresses Make Me Wanna Go to a Wedding So Bad, Calling All Brides: The *Best* Registry Gifts, Jill Filipovic is a contributing writer for. 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