Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. Girls! Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, my goodness, Edgar. Georges Hautecourt: Wha--? Short no. Everythingyou possess? Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? Alright? Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. Amelia: Of course, my dear. Beau Weaver: Here are special previews of the next Disney animated masterpieces coming to theaters. Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. And don't worry. I've only got one. I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." Genie: [sings] They're eventually getting married! Roquefort: Oh, thank you. ". Berlioz:[offscreen]He's sure glad to see us. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. It will come later. Mark Elliott: Coming to video. The horse blocks the road. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! Abigail: Silly you! Quick, kittens! What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? The acts described involve incest, pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and impressions of the victims of 9/11. A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Oh, no. Tsk! Something horrible is happening. Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. Duchess: Well, it is most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived. Georges Hautecourt:Very good. Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. [onscreen]The baggage truck willbe here any moment now. [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]Oops! Where did the blood come from? One squeakywheelon the front, it sounds like. Frogs: [singing] There's so much to say, but we have all day. You've just rescued Thomas, right? Roquefort: Oh, please! [offscreen]Hey! Berlioz:We were just practicingbiting and clawing. Duchess:No, not at all. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. I'm the one that sayswhen we go. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. They're too cutesy." Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! Shall we keep himin the family? (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. Duchess: Now, now, darlings. Lafayette: Mmm. Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. Toulouse: Yeah. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Amelia: And he's going about itall the wrong way. Oh, that's thatfamous restaurant. [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. Then, presto! The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. And I always throw in that. Ooh! Criminiddly! Roquefort: Don't come in! Oops! Pretty soon, all of them are completely naked including the dog, who takes his leash off.. Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. Edgar Balthazar: Madame, uh-- May I takeyour parcel, Madame? To my cats. Which pets know bestall the gentle social graces? That's good. He tries to shut it, but the alley cats attack]. Which pets are knownto never show their claws? The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. [ Laughing ], Napoleon: You're not gonna believe this, man,but it's. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. Duchess:Very good, darling. Georges Hautecourt: Evening. I just love them. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. Abigail: A roue. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! It falls over, shrieking. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". And this time, ha,you'll never come back. [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Oh, dear,what a terrible night. Come along, dear. Abigail: Oh, dear! Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. The zygote goes through a process of becoming an. Oh. You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. Millions. Frou-Frou grabs Edgar by the jacket. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video invites you back into the world where toys come to life. Oh! O'Malley: No, no. Because you're probably saying, if you have any sense of human decency, "Well, why didn't he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants!" Why, your eyes are like sapphires,sparkling so bright. Very good. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" - is going to put his triangle, put it in front of my triangle, and "Clang-a-Lang-a-Lang Went the Trolley," just the way Momma sang it, and then, I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon, and I'm gonna take it and stretch it out and I'm going to wrap it around the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mommy used to do. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. That's better. I've heard the "joke." It's a totally different show. Scratch one butler. . Uhoh, yes. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Good heavens! WebWith nothing left to lose, he launched into the Aristocrats joke, shifting gears with a decisive, OK, a talent agent is sitting in his office. He goes on for nine minutes and 50 Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the Smile. Napoleon: Wait a minute! O'Malley: [Gasping]Alrighty, whatever. You never hear a physicist going, "It's a muon, you c*nt!". Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! Oh, gracious! Mark Elliott: "Aladdin" showed you an entire new world. Toulouse:Yeah. [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. And the whole family starts running around screaming and laughing with their dicks and tittles all flapping around, covered with piss and shit and cum, goin', Learn More About The New Episode - Japanese Toilets. [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Oh, ooh, ooh! Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. A family walks in to a talent agency. Milkman:Sapristi! Live all the adventure of the movie and more. O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. Oh, they'll need help. Abigail: Gracious me. WhyEdgar? Get out! Marie: Oh! Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. This article is about the offensive joke known as "The Aristocrats". Maybe you fellon your head. Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? Mark Elliott: But a band of notorious thieves. The work of a genius. Whoo-whoo! Abigail: Oh, indeed, yes, sis. Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? [The camera zooms into the theater screen as the screen fades to black]. Oh, perish the thought. O'Malley: Well, of course. [Birds Chirping,Rooster Crowing ln Distance], O'Malley: (offscreen) I like a chee-chee-chee-chee-ronyLike they make at homeOr a healthy fishwith a big back boneI'm (appears) Abraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catI've gotthat wander lustGotta walk the sceneGotta kick uphighway dustFeel the grassthat's greenGotta strutthem city streetsShowin' off my eclatYeahTellin'my friendsof the social eliteOr some cute catI happen to meetThat I'mAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malley the alley cat. The details of the joke change with every telling (and I got a million of 'em. Huh? Andy Richter: And all the stuff shoots on her face. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy sh*t-covered incest. Here we go. So dysfunctional, it defies description. [Hissing]. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. Poppycock, man! O'Malley: Now look, kids. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. Toulouse hisses and spits], Toulouse: [Snarling,Hissing]Meow! Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. The Aristocrats. Laverne: Nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever. Don't mindif I do. Napoleon: Wait a minute, that's funny. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. "The Aristocrats Quotes." Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? Okay, baby. That seems to make the whole joke. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? Something horrible's happening! Edgar! [offscreen]They're gone. WebThe Aristocats! WebThe Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Duchess:Because of our owner. Edgar was in it. If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Napoleon: Mm-mm. [ Stammering ]D-D-Don't rush me. [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! Edgar Balthazar:You came back? As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. O'Malley:Over there! That'll be turning it on. Come on, guys. I'll get flat feet. So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! So the piano player starts to play. Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. O'Malley: Duchess. Lafayette: Well, where'smy beddie-bye basket!? But where? Whee! Edgar opens the door. Quotes.net. Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. The real joke is, it's not a And that! [ Sighing ]Gee, I'm gonna miss them too. Roquefort:Don't come in! Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Aufwiedersehen. And I come after the cats. Duchess: Oh, I'll be so gladwhen we get back home. First,to make the magic begin,you wiggleyour noseand tickleyour chin. And each cat has nine lives. Nice doggy! The- this family walks into a talent agency. Yeah! You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. Kittens! While Madame and Georges are asleep. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! Toulouse: Hey, guys. Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. [Screen fades from black, revealing the Jim Henson Video logo]. He told me justto mention his name. And we were all ridingand bouncing along--. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good day, sir. Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. And that was my vacation. Duchess: Now, Berlioz. Mangy tramps! Upward and onward! Lafayette:Oh, but Napoleon, we done bitsix tires today. Abigail: You really did quite wellfor a beginner. And whatmight your name be? The scene is stomach-churning, and thats the point. [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " Mama, I'm afraid! Oh! But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." And the talent agent says, "Sorry, we don't sign family acts. I-- I couldnever leave her. George carlin shares his version of the aristocrats joke. I say, that's not at all bad. Web. The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time [We cut to the thieves pointing their swords around Aladdin, Abu and Iago to the beat of the music] Taking whatever we please! Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. They got rubber feet. I am really in a great deal of trouble. O'Malley: Oh, thank you. That this one rudimentary joke could be done so many different ways and in different styles. That is not kind of you. The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." Scat Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar's head. She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. [Laughing]. This is the second theatrical appearance of South Park. Girls. Duches: [offscreen]Berlioz, now don't be rude. They're in the trunk! And that was my vacation. O'Malley: So I got a few to spare. Waldo's our uncle. Frou-Frou: Hurry, Roquefort. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! [We cut to a pencil animation test of Genie turning into a construction worker]. Web295K views, 1.9K likes, 423 loves, 1.2K comments, 1.4K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Brandon Rogers: THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but Look at this! It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. Roquefort:H-How about--O' Grady? And I'm gonna shine my shoes with my vagina juices, put 'em back on, tap-tap-tap, do a split, and that's the act! Yeah. And then my daughter comes on stage. Where are you? Go! [baby begins to cry] Yeah I didn't like it that much myself. Look, pal, [offscreen]you go get Scat Catand his gang of alley cats. Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. They get the- towait. What's all the yellin'about, huh? 17 [ Mumbling ]. Roquefort:A-A-Alley cats!? O'Malley:Okay. Ow! Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Sounds like Scat Cat andhis gang have dropped by. [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. How are you doing that? It's "Roquefort". Heel, roll over, play dead! O'Malley: Well, uh, you seeI-l'm not exactlyher husband. Marie: Goody. Are you all right? Those cats have got to go! Come on. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Oh, please! Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? Watch your mouth. Girl: And then the raccoons ate our food and they all had poison ivy. You don't need to scream. "Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. Let's be nice to our new friends. Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. Duchess: Say, what brings you two here? Oh! I've just gotto find them. After it! I'll take careof you later. July 28, 20058:25 PM. Steady, girl. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Woody: [Walks to an alien and picks it up] Hello. Berlioz: Yeah, man. Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Elizabeth blair explores the dark world of comedy. Only one comedian could rival the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke: Gilbert Gottfried, the gravel-throated comedian who reveled in raunch who died at the age of 67. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" Duchess? Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Last oneup the stairs is a nincompoop. Marie: It's creme de la cremea la Edgar. See what happens to Hitler's dick. Amelia: No! Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. Ooh! The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. You eitherare or you're not. [Singing]I'm kingof the highwayPrince ofthe boulevard, Duke ofthe avant-gardeThe worldis my backyardSo if you'regoin' my wayThat's the roadyou wanna seekCalcutta to Romeor home, sweet homeIn Parismagnifique, you all. But first, introductions. Would you agree with that? And other poems by Maya Angelou. Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. Roquefort: Oh, it's a sad dayfor all of us. Thank goodness you're safe! WebThe Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Mm. Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! [Grunting]. WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: WebThis 19th-century aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and a man who would often take delight in other peoples misfortune. That ain't. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Come along, Duchess. It's just, "Here we go folks.". Roquefort:Oh, boy! O'Malley! Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. (outloud)Of course you can. That's onlya little frog, my love. They're the startof my new foundation. He could be a longshoreman. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? Possibly a reprobate. I simply wantto make my will. Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. All of them dollars. O'Malley: Look, baby, it's late, okay? But it's really nice to have introductions. Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. Napoleon:[offscreen]Hush your mouth. Whoo-whoo! I wanna go home! It says here. Duchess: Oh, and I'mso very glad we didthis morning. Whew! He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. "I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important," the comedian said. Right off your cuff. Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." Cheer up. We give the first few rows garbage bags. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Why, oh why, is he allowing this to happen?, Editors picks A porn version of that age old joke kept alive by comedians throughout the years. Berlioz: Hey, do you really havea magic carpet, Monsieur O'Malleysir? Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. Ow! Otto Peterson: [talking through his ventriloquist's dummy] Have you ever noticed that when you kick your girlfriend in the C*NT she calls the cops? Lafayette:This sure beats runnin', Napoleon. Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! Duchess: Oh. "Stuffed with chestnuts"? ', Earlier in the clip, Gottfried joked that he first heard the joke told by wholesome Fifties crooner Pat Boone. Swimming, some of the way. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Napoleon: I'm the leader. Guard #1: (Tries to get back up, but Achilles sits on him) Woah! Oh, I meanyour pad. Brian Cummings: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. O'Malley: All right, step lively! 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